Introducing Trump’s 2016 Alt-Right All-Star Hate Team

Following an intense election season in which even the preseason scrimmages were filled with intense excitement, the American political system finally crowned the most unlikely candidate as its 2016 electoral champion. As always, the winning side gets to choose its own all-star team, and after the new president-elect took his celebratory victory lap, Donald J. Trump began selecting his most valued players to fill out the roster for his administration.

This all-star team reflects the values and ambitions of the side (the American Wyte Pee-pull) whose comeback win ended an eight-year absence as champions. Although they dominated in 43 prior elections, they were long shots against their hated rival, Hillary Clinton, who—like the last Democratic champion and all athletic organizations—thought the black players on her team would carry her to victory. Instead, Republicans revised their game plan and brought the trophy back to white America.

Now they get to reward the players who helped them with political power, Cabinet positions and leadership roles. Not since the Emmett Till jury has America seen a collection of talent this antagonistic and completely bigoted. Let’s take a look at President-elect Trump’s Hate All-Stars who will lead this country for the next four years.

Steve Bannon

Position: Chief political strategist

Notable achievements in hate:

• Took the alternative right, or alt-right, from a disparate collection of conservatives, neo-Nazis and skinheads and transformed them into a mainstream movement.
• For four years, headed Breitbart, the favorite media outlet of white nationalism.
• Has zero years political and government experience.

As the quarterback of the team, Bannon’s credentials as the Svengali of the alt-right are unquestioned. Aside from guiding a p–sy-grabbing reality star to the position of leader of the free world, Bannon is credited with piloting his previous organization from obscurity to America’s leading voice of racism and hate.

He also made self-described “supervillain” Milo Yiannopoulos a paid senior editor of Breitbart. This is the same Milo Yiannopoulos who is notorious for harassing Leslie Jones and setting a record for being so racist, he was kicked off Twitter (yes, apparently, there is at least one person too racist for Twitter). Bannon’s ex-wife also swore in court that he told her he didn’t want his children going to school “with Jews.”

Famous quote:

“We’re the platform for the alt-right. … Are there racist people involved in the alt-right? Absolutely. Look, are there some people that are white nationalists that are attracted to some of the philosophies of the alt-right? Maybe. Are there some people that are anti-Semitic that are attracted? Maybe. Right? Maybe some people are attracted to the alt-right that are homophobes … ”—Steve Bannon, July 2016

Rudy Giuliani

Position: Rumored as secretary of state or Homeland Security chief

Notable achievements in hate:

One of the real OGs of the “gang of hate,” Giuliani brings a veteran presence and provides a racism résumé that would make Bull Connor blush with envy. As the architect of the unconstitutional stop and frisk, Giuliani is notorious for codifying the policy that told police to disproportionately harass blacks.

He is an ardent defender of law enforcement and blames all police killings on black people (namely black fathers), and once stated, “The white police officers wouldn’t be there if you weren’t killing each other.”

Perhaps Giuliani’s most egregious trespass against the black community came after Beyoncé’s MTV Video Music Awards performance, when he said he had “saved more black lives than Beyoncé.”

Obviously, the man has never listened to Lemonade.

Famous quote:

“Be very careful of those kids in the neighborhood and don’t get involved with them because, son, there’s a 99 percent chance they’re going to kill you, not the police.” —Rudy Giuliani, July 2016

Mike Pence

Position: Vice president

Notable achievements in hate:

• Is one of the few people called a racist by a federal court.
• Wanted to use funds for HIV prevention to “convert” gays into becoming straight.
• Opposed a law against hate crimes.
• Signed a bill to jail same-sex couples who wanted to get married.

Mike Pence looks like the country club president who was the villain in every ’80s movie, and he governs like he’s still living in the ’80s—the 1880s.

Perhaps no other governor has antagonized the LGBT community as much as Pence has. Pence came into prominence among conservatives when he signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, making it legal to discriminate against anyone by simply citing one’s religious beliefs.

A judge called his efforts to keep refugees from settling in his state the “equivalent of his saying … that he wants to forbid black people to settle in Indiana not because they’re black but because he’s afraid of them.”

Pence also thinks there is too much talk of police racism and believes that homosexuality will be the end of America’s greatness.

How ironic.

Famous quote:

“Homosexuals are not as a group able-bodied. They are known to carry extremely high rates of disease brought on because of the nature of their sexual practices and the promiscuity which is a hallmark of their lifestyle.” —Mike Pence, 1993

Jeff Sessions

Position: Attorney general

Notable achievements in hate:

America goes from Eric Holder, who sued the city of Ferguson, Mo., for systematic racism, to Loretta Lynch, who charged Dylan Roof with a federal hate crime, to Jeff Sessions.

Jeff Sessions is from Alabama. I could stop there, but his career racism stats are too impressive to gloss over lightly. Sessions is so bold that he regularly appears at public events for white nationalist groups, and as one of the country’s leading anti-immigrant voices, he originated the idea of the border wall. Ronald Reagan tried to appoint him to a federal judgeship, but he was rejected when senators found out that he once called a white civil rights lawyer a “disgrace to his race” and called a fellow black prosecutor “boy.”

You read that correctly. Sessions was too racist for the Reagan administration. Just in case you were wondering how great America is being made—apparently the “again” part was the key.

Famous quote:

“Be careful what you say to white folks.” —Jeff Sessions to Thomas Figures, a black assistant U.S. attorney

Peter Thiel

Position: Possibly secretary of commerce

Notable achievements in hate:

If Milo Yiannopoulos is the alt-right team’s poster boy, then Peter Thiel is its Ken doll. He is relatively young, insanely rich (he co-founded PayPal and was the first outside investor in Facebook) and is a little bit racist. We mean “a little bit racist” in the same way that Hitler was a “a little bit anti-Semitic.” Thiel recently spoke to the Property and Freedom Society, which regularly provides a platform for white nationalists, and two of his friends recently spoke about his repeated defense of apartheid in South Africa.

This racist evil genius currently heads a multibillion-dollar data-mining company, ensuring that one day, Thiel will actually become Lex Luthor.

Famous quote:

“Since 1920, the vast increase in welfare beneficiaries and the extension of the franchise to women—two constituencies that are notoriously tough for libertarians—have rendered the notion of “capitalist democracy” into an oxymoron.” —Peter Thiel, April 2009

Kris Kobach

Position: Possibly secretary of state

Notable achievements in hate:

• Wrote Arizona’s “Papers, please” law.
• Wrote Alabama’s “Papers, please” law.
• Wrote Mississippi’s “Papers, please” law.
• Was called “the most racist politician in America today.”

While others on this team may get more camera time and more accolades, Kris Kobach is the perennial professional presence that holds the white, anti-immigrant team together. He is one of the few people in the mainstream of the Republican Party pushing the alt-right agenda.

Although he is nominally Kansas’ secretary of state, Kobach travels around the country persuading governors and legislators to institute anti-immigrant laws like Alabama’s H.B. 56, called “the most racist law in America,” which forced police officers to ask for proof of status based on race and forbade citizens from renting property, selling cars or even allowing people to use swimming pools without proof of citizenship. Kobach’s contributions might not show up on the stat sheets, but his racist policymaking is invaluable to the team.

When he’s not writing racist laws, practicing or playing, Kobach spends his spare time attending white nationalist conferences.

Whenever you hear “most racist … ,” you can bet that Kobach’s name will be in the discussion. Dedication. Loyalty. Teamwork. That’s why Kobach is an alt-right all-star.

Famous quote:

“There’s no question the wall is going to get built. The only question is how quickly will it get done and who pays for it?” —Kris Kobach, November 2016

Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr.

Possible positions: Secretaries of coloring books

Notable achievements in hate:

• Repeatedly tweet Nazi memes.
• Gave an interview to a white nationalist radio show and then said it didn’t happen.
• Compared refugees to poisonous Skittles.

There’s always one guy who’s only on the team because his dad is the coach. That’s the Trump boys. They were born into privilege with everything a human being could ask for (except a defined jawline and the ability to think independently), even extra chromosomes.

They dwell in a perpetual state of shock when they discover that one of their tweets is propaganda from an alt-right or neo-Nazi account. No one ever asks them why all their social media friends seem to have white nationalist ties. If anyone did, I’m sure their answer would be, “Just wait till my father hears about this!”

Although they seem to be empty shells of hair pomade whose eyes are a little too close together, they try their hardest to perpetuate the hate their daddy expects. They at least deserve an honorable mention.

Now, let them get back to doodling swastikas with crayons.

Famous quote:

“My daddy says … ” —Eric Trump or Donald Trump Jr., all the time